Thursday, November 12, 2009

Unexpected Surprises

At the most unexpected moments, but always when I need them most, God will send me the encouragement I need to keep on going. This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I saw myself more clearly than ever before and the shocker was that I really didn't like what I saw. I saw someone that was a ghost of my former self and someone who, instead of seeing the positive in things, tended more to seeing the negative. And then, last night, I was invited to a meeting and I went and it was such an eye-opener! The wake up call I needed so badly was dealt out in love and with encouragement that I wasn't expecting. And not only that, but I saw some people I haven't seen in years. I am not really sure what I expected but it sure wasn't to be greeted with such love and affection. They looked honestly thrilled to see me and it brought tears to my eyes and a joy to my heart that I haven't felt for a while now. For the first time in months I felt as though I belonged, I felt safe and wanted and really loved.
Most of all, though, I felt a renewed energy for the walk forward and I was and am determined to really change my life around now. Never before have I felt this incredible burning desire to do that which is right and forsake that which is wrong. Never before have I seen with such clarity all that is going on around me.
The future awaits!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

No Promises...Just Hope

You held my hand, were always there
You always took me everywhere
Sat by my bed when I was sick
Loved me through thin and thick

I hurt you by what I did and said
Turned my back on the life I led
No words could say what is in my heart
I'm going to make a brand new start

I just wanted you to know today
I never meant for it to be this way
Mommy and daddy, I love you

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

While two wrongs might not make a right, real repentance certainly does. Through all that has happened to me in the past few months I've come to see that listening to the loving advice and correction of one's parents really would go a long way in saving one from a lot of heart ache and pain. And unnecessary problems and complications.

The rain and dark clouds of this day sure do reflect my mood today...and yet I am filled with hope for the future as I walk this road forward. I know that some day (hopefully soon) I will be able to make things right. I've taken the first big step and now I just need to keep on walking on and not give up.

I will be okay, I will make it. I have to. My eternal happiness and future hangs in the balance and I am determined not to lose it!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Learning from Life

Isn't it strange hoe we always tend to look back on our lives and see things that we wish we could have done differently, things we wish we could change or most especially things we wish we had never said?
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and debating and I've come to the conclusion that its true what they say: Life is a learning curve. Throughout one's life there are so many lessons to learn, situations that need split decisions, choices to be made. And how your life turns out depends on the decisions and choices that you make now.

I look back on my life and I see a past I wish I could change. Not everything, mind you, just the parts where I've made the worst mistakes. I look in the mirror and all I see is this sad and ugly person. I watched "Shallow Hal" last night and it really changed the way I see myself. If Hal had to look at me now he'd see this decrepit, old, wizened, depressed woman. Why? Because I've allowed human nature and the things of this world to completely take control in my life. Sure, there are times when I am happy, when I laugh and have fun, but overall I feel like I'm missing something and its not a feeling I like.

Now more than ever I realize the mistakes I've made have really taken their toll on me. I put on a brave face but inside I am fighting for sanity, fighting for the person I know I could be, the little girl my parents once loved. Who am I now? An outsider, a loner. I gave up the most important people and things in my life because I made a mistake that can never be undone. The scars will stay with me for the rest of my life. I turned a deaf ear on the warnings and advice I was given. I shut out the people I loved the most.

Its these things I see and remember every morning when I wake up, every night I go to sleep. Its these things I see when I look in the mirror. Its these things I wish I could undo. I realize now the importance of the life I used to have. Now, when it might be too late.

Can these things ever be forgiven?