Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Angel I call my Child

Being a new mother certainly has its ups and downs. I have discovered a totally different meaning to the word "unselfish" and "time". My son is now five months old and he is just a handful of delightful, wriggly, chubby, gurgling, drooling angel! He keeps me up most nights and I have to spend those nights walking around the apartment with him until he finally gets tired enough to close his busy little eyes and sleep. He clings to me just like a baby monkey and everywhere I go he goes too. Privacy is something that doesn't exist in our home anymore and when little mister yells, my husband and I both make a run to see what has bugged him this time.

When I was wheeled into theater to have the emergency c-section, I was petrified beyond belief. I was so afraid that something would go wrong, that I wouldn't hear his first cries, that there wouldn't be any first cries, that I wouldn't be able to move at all afterward. It may sound silly but I have never before been in a hospital as a patient, never before been under a surgeon's knife. I was in tears the whole time until they stuck a needle into my lower back and I lost all feeling and control in my lower body. The pain up till then had been pretty much unbearable and it wasn't the contractions that were bad, it was the pain in my legs and feet and the migraine that had persisted for more than a week. Ironically enough, the contractions were a relief!

As I lay on the operating table, bright lights shining into my eyes, I watched with fascination as the doctor's cut me open and after two minutes, and a lot of tugging and pulling, they finally lifted my son out amidst furious screaming on his part. He was kicking and struggling and yelling his beautiful little man head off. I have never seen a baby who looked so much like a miniature man at birth. The doctor had a good laugh when he saw my son's frown. It was huge! And for the first month of his life my son frowned at everyone and everything from underneath long dark brown lashes. Even in sleep he still had a frown.

Its hard to see the frown now because he is such a happy baby these days. He has two little white teeth which he uses to bite me with in gay abandon. He gurgles and chuckles and drools and smiles till we think he can't possibly keep it up any longer and yet he does. He clings to us like glue and he gets very upset when he is left alone for too long. My husband adores him and our son can't get enough of his wonderful daddy. I think the reason we battle to get him to sleep at nights is because he is scared he will miss out on something or that we might not be there when he wakes up. I remember having nightmares like that when I was a small girl. Perhaps he inherited some of that from me, or perhaps its something all little ones deal with.

This wonder, this joy, is the blessed angel I call...my child.


Monday, April 19, 2010

Fairytale

As a little girl I had all these dreams of how my life was going to turn out and what I was going to be when I grew up. In all these cloud castles and fairytales, I never once thought to factor in that I would make mistakes or bad decisions. So now I have to sit back and rethink all my little dreams as things aren't going quite the way I had thought they would when I was little.

Growing up certainly has its advantages but now when things go wrong I can't just run to the parents and expect them to fix the problem. Especially since the problem is me. As I sit here and think of all that has happened in this past year I am surprised that I can still be so positive as to the outcome of it all. The mistakes, the pain, the heartache....all of it is slowly but surely disappearing as the tiny being inside of me grows. My body is going through alarming changes, some of which are truly frightening in some ways, not to mention the difficulty in controlling mood swings and hormones. Yet despite all these changes, I have finally found myself, the part of me which I thought was gone forever.

Its as though the baby growing inside of me has brought me back, given me new life. He grows bigger and stronger every day and every day he brings a smile to my face. When he moves inside of me I feel a connection so strong, so deep, that I know it will never be broken. Because of him, I have a deeper understanding of the love my parents have for me, and therefore I also have a deeper understanding of how I have hurt them, and those close to me. That love, though, also brings forgiveness, so it enables me to stand up and move forward, knowing that despite everything they will be there to welcome me home again in the end. It strengthens me and gives me hope and a new lease on life. It drives me forward and helps me to make better decisions.

When I was a little girl I never thought that I would end up pregnant at the age of 25, unmarried, still working full time, and on my own. Little did I dream that getting everything prepared for the baby would take so much planning and I certainly didn't think it would cost as much as it has. Then again, I also didn't think that there would be so many incredible people supporting me and helping me. I didn't expect all the blessings to shower down on me after all I had done wrong. God is truly merciful, He has blessed me and loved me through it all and helped me to at last walk down the right path.

It won't be easy, but it sure is going to be worth it!!!