Tuesday, May 14, 2013

You took my heart, my soul and my life
Vows that made us man and wife
I try to write about it but come up blank

A marriage boat that tragically sank

Where did I go so wrong
I have nowhere now that I belong
What did I do to make you hate me so

You trampled my heart and let it go

Did I not love you enough
Was being with me too rough
Am I just too ugly and fat

Or did you just not care right off the bat




My Return

I've been thinking a lot the past few months and at last my thoughts are being converted into words that I can type up and post. Its been ages since I last wrote, just haven't been inspired to write, somehow. Oddly enough, being to hell and back has given me the necessary kick in the pants to write again and for that I am actually really thankful. Writing is as much as part of me as singing and dancing. I need it like I need the air I breathe.

My children are getting big now, and I'm not just talking older. My daughter is a few weeks away from being a year old and already she wears a size 3-4 shoe and 18-24 month clothes, and my son is just two months from three years old and wears a size 9 shoe and 3-4 year old clothing. He is so tall and so amazingly handsome. And my daughter has these big chocolate brown eyes that will melt your soul. I am constantly amazed at their intelligence and growth, they give me reason to smile every single day.

On Mothers' Day my little prince went with Grandma to get me a little present, and when he came to give it to me he said "Here mommy, happy mommy's day...kissy for you. Wuf you mummy" and then after my hug and kiss he looked up at me, put his hands on his hips and said "And where's MY mummy's day pwezzie?" It was the cutest thing!! He didn't quite understand the concept that mothers' day is for mommys and not their kids :)

He has learned how to put his shoes on his feet (the right shoe on the right foot!) all by himself and looks after his sister and is so very protective. He is my big boy and makes this mommy heart so very proud! My little princess is also so beautiful and she is starting to walk now. Every time she takes a step or two she shrieks with excitement and starts clapping her hands. She sings herself to sleep and every time she sees the cats she starts mewling just like them!

I don't know what I would do without my babies, my world revolves around them. And recently I was able to reconnect with some family and some people that mean the world to me. I have learned to cope on my own, but having the emotional support of my loved ones is very important to me and having that contact is what has got me through the healing process much quicker. So, to you all, thank you so very much! I wouldn't have been able to do it without you.
Being a single mom is hard, but it would be a hell of a lot harder without you in my life. So again, thank you!

I will write more again later, but for now I need to be going.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Constructive Thoughts

Its been a while, to say the least. I have wondered to hell and back and finally ended up where I started. After months and months of wondering if I would ever find myself in the endless abyss of misery I had been drowning in, I woke up one morning in my own home, with two beautiful angels that I call my children. When I feel like I can't go on, I look at them and through the tears of joy running down my cheeks I see the reason for carrying on. They are my life and my everything, my reason for being. Nothing that has happened in the past can ever make me regret having them and no matter how hard it is to be alone, to raise them alone, I know that I will find the strength to do it all just because they are there.

And today I find myself in an office environment once again but what an office!! The atmosphere is relaxed, peaceful even when busy, and I enjoy coming to work  and never find myself watching the clock waiting to go home. Granted, I have only been here little over two weeks but it feels as though I have been here for years. The day I walked in to start working, I was already at home. How blessed I am to have an office to myself, the most awesome boss alive and a job I can enjoy. Never did I envision working for a construction company, always thought they would be so full of nonsense, but it is not like that at all. The people who walk in and out of this office every day bring a smile to my face and help to heal the wound that is my broken soul. Every friendly smile, greeting, handshake and hug brings just a little bit more of me back to life. Who knows, one day soon I may be back to my old self...only much better because now I have two lovely little munchkins that fill my heart and make my life a brighter place.

Perhaps I will even be able to start writing again. I have found my voice again and am slowly starting to sing so maybe the writing isn't so far off.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Milk, Cow and Boob

When I was younger and still living on the farm, I always used to wonder how the cows and goats felt whenever we milked them. I have to say, I now have a pretty good idea! Today my milk decided to produce at ten times the rate it normally does and I cannot even describe the agony I am in. So maybe its not a subject one would normally write about or discuss but I am a farm girl and I don't find this offensive or taboo ~chuckle~ In fact, its quite a big joke around my family and friends.

Little baby knows that mommy comes around lunch time to give him milk. He refuses to drink milk from a bottle because he firmly believes that milk ONLY comes from mommy's boobies. And it does...in fact, I have to make another dash up the road to the daycare in about five minutes' time because I have enough milk to fill a swimming pool and my upper body is decidedly lopsided as one side is filled with milk and the other side is only half. It looks hilarious and to be honest its quite embarrassing as well. You wouldn't believe the looks I get when walking in town! The worst is when the milk starts to leak. It literally sprays right through my clothes and breast pads really don't seem to work too well.

One of my friends decided that it was a good idea to teach my son how to say "boob" ~smile~ He is already starting to say "cow" whenever he wants milk. I somehow don't think that it is a complement to me but anyways, he's happy so I am happy. And besides, I do actually feel a bit like a milk cow, especially when I am this full! Reminds me of this one cow my sister used to milk on the dairy farm where we worked as kids. The cow's name was Flower and she was legendary! The amount of milk that cow produced was totally incredible.

Right, well this cow needs to get her tushi in gear and get to the daycare before my shirt is completely soaked!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Angel I call my Child

Being a new mother certainly has its ups and downs. I have discovered a totally different meaning to the word "unselfish" and "time". My son is now five months old and he is just a handful of delightful, wriggly, chubby, gurgling, drooling angel! He keeps me up most nights and I have to spend those nights walking around the apartment with him until he finally gets tired enough to close his busy little eyes and sleep. He clings to me just like a baby monkey and everywhere I go he goes too. Privacy is something that doesn't exist in our home anymore and when little mister yells, my husband and I both make a run to see what has bugged him this time.

When I was wheeled into theater to have the emergency c-section, I was petrified beyond belief. I was so afraid that something would go wrong, that I wouldn't hear his first cries, that there wouldn't be any first cries, that I wouldn't be able to move at all afterward. It may sound silly but I have never before been in a hospital as a patient, never before been under a surgeon's knife. I was in tears the whole time until they stuck a needle into my lower back and I lost all feeling and control in my lower body. The pain up till then had been pretty much unbearable and it wasn't the contractions that were bad, it was the pain in my legs and feet and the migraine that had persisted for more than a week. Ironically enough, the contractions were a relief!

As I lay on the operating table, bright lights shining into my eyes, I watched with fascination as the doctor's cut me open and after two minutes, and a lot of tugging and pulling, they finally lifted my son out amidst furious screaming on his part. He was kicking and struggling and yelling his beautiful little man head off. I have never seen a baby who looked so much like a miniature man at birth. The doctor had a good laugh when he saw my son's frown. It was huge! And for the first month of his life my son frowned at everyone and everything from underneath long dark brown lashes. Even in sleep he still had a frown.

Its hard to see the frown now because he is such a happy baby these days. He has two little white teeth which he uses to bite me with in gay abandon. He gurgles and chuckles and drools and smiles till we think he can't possibly keep it up any longer and yet he does. He clings to us like glue and he gets very upset when he is left alone for too long. My husband adores him and our son can't get enough of his wonderful daddy. I think the reason we battle to get him to sleep at nights is because he is scared he will miss out on something or that we might not be there when he wakes up. I remember having nightmares like that when I was a small girl. Perhaps he inherited some of that from me, or perhaps its something all little ones deal with.

This wonder, this joy, is the blessed angel I call...my child.


Monday, April 19, 2010

Fairytale

As a little girl I had all these dreams of how my life was going to turn out and what I was going to be when I grew up. In all these cloud castles and fairytales, I never once thought to factor in that I would make mistakes or bad decisions. So now I have to sit back and rethink all my little dreams as things aren't going quite the way I had thought they would when I was little.

Growing up certainly has its advantages but now when things go wrong I can't just run to the parents and expect them to fix the problem. Especially since the problem is me. As I sit here and think of all that has happened in this past year I am surprised that I can still be so positive as to the outcome of it all. The mistakes, the pain, the heartache....all of it is slowly but surely disappearing as the tiny being inside of me grows. My body is going through alarming changes, some of which are truly frightening in some ways, not to mention the difficulty in controlling mood swings and hormones. Yet despite all these changes, I have finally found myself, the part of me which I thought was gone forever.

Its as though the baby growing inside of me has brought me back, given me new life. He grows bigger and stronger every day and every day he brings a smile to my face. When he moves inside of me I feel a connection so strong, so deep, that I know it will never be broken. Because of him, I have a deeper understanding of the love my parents have for me, and therefore I also have a deeper understanding of how I have hurt them, and those close to me. That love, though, also brings forgiveness, so it enables me to stand up and move forward, knowing that despite everything they will be there to welcome me home again in the end. It strengthens me and gives me hope and a new lease on life. It drives me forward and helps me to make better decisions.

When I was a little girl I never thought that I would end up pregnant at the age of 25, unmarried, still working full time, and on my own. Little did I dream that getting everything prepared for the baby would take so much planning and I certainly didn't think it would cost as much as it has. Then again, I also didn't think that there would be so many incredible people supporting me and helping me. I didn't expect all the blessings to shower down on me after all I had done wrong. God is truly merciful, He has blessed me and loved me through it all and helped me to at last walk down the right path.

It won't be easy, but it sure is going to be worth it!!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Unexpected Surprises

At the most unexpected moments, but always when I need them most, God will send me the encouragement I need to keep on going. This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I saw myself more clearly than ever before and the shocker was that I really didn't like what I saw. I saw someone that was a ghost of my former self and someone who, instead of seeing the positive in things, tended more to seeing the negative. And then, last night, I was invited to a meeting and I went and it was such an eye-opener! The wake up call I needed so badly was dealt out in love and with encouragement that I wasn't expecting. And not only that, but I saw some people I haven't seen in years. I am not really sure what I expected but it sure wasn't to be greeted with such love and affection. They looked honestly thrilled to see me and it brought tears to my eyes and a joy to my heart that I haven't felt for a while now. For the first time in months I felt as though I belonged, I felt safe and wanted and really loved.
Most of all, though, I felt a renewed energy for the walk forward and I was and am determined to really change my life around now. Never before have I felt this incredible burning desire to do that which is right and forsake that which is wrong. Never before have I seen with such clarity all that is going on around me.
The future awaits!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

No Promises...Just Hope


You held my hand, were always there
You always took me everywhere
Sat by my bed when I was sick
Loved me through thin and thick

I hurt you by what I did and said
Turned my back on the life I led
No words could say what is in my heart
I'm going to make a brand new start

I just wanted you to know today
I never meant for it to be this way
Mommy and daddy, I love you