At the most unexpected moments, but always when I need them most, God will send me the encouragement I need to keep on going. This past week has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I saw myself more clearly than ever before and the shocker was that I really didn't like what I saw. I saw someone that was a ghost of my former self and someone who, instead of seeing the positive in things, tended more to seeing the negative. And then, last night, I was invited to a meeting and I went and it was such an eye-opener! The wake up call I needed so badly was dealt out in love and with encouragement that I wasn't expecting. And not only that, but I saw some people I haven't seen in years. I am not really sure what I expected but it sure wasn't to be greeted with such love and affection. They looked honestly thrilled to see me and it brought tears to my eyes and a joy to my heart that I haven't felt for a while now. For the first time in months I felt as though I belonged, I felt safe and wanted and really loved.
Most of all, though, I felt a renewed energy for the walk forward and I was and am determined to really change my life around now. Never before have I felt this incredible burning desire to do that which is right and forsake that which is wrong. Never before have I seen with such clarity all that is going on around me.
The future awaits!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
No Promises...Just Hope
You held my hand, were always there
You always took me everywhere
Sat by my bed when I was sick
Loved me through thin and thick
I hurt you by what I did and said
Turned my back on the life I led
No words could say what is in my heart
I'm going to make a brand new start
I just wanted you to know today
I never meant for it to be this way
Mommy and daddy, I love you
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
While two wrongs might not make a right, real repentance certainly does. Through all that has happened to me in the past few months I've come to see that listening to the loving advice and correction of one's parents really would go a long way in saving one from a lot of heart ache and pain. And unnecessary problems and complications.
The rain and dark clouds of this day sure do reflect my mood today...and yet I am filled with hope for the future as I walk this road forward. I know that some day (hopefully soon) I will be able to make things right. I've taken the first big step and now I just need to keep on walking on and not give up.
I will be okay, I will make it. I have to. My eternal happiness and future hangs in the balance and I am determined not to lose it!
The rain and dark clouds of this day sure do reflect my mood today...and yet I am filled with hope for the future as I walk this road forward. I know that some day (hopefully soon) I will be able to make things right. I've taken the first big step and now I just need to keep on walking on and not give up.
I will be okay, I will make it. I have to. My eternal happiness and future hangs in the balance and I am determined not to lose it!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Learning from Life
Isn't it strange hoe we always tend to look back on our lives and see things that we wish we could have done differently, things we wish we could change or most especially things we wish we had never said?
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and debating and I've come to the conclusion that its true what they say: Life is a learning curve. Throughout one's life there are so many lessons to learn, situations that need split decisions, choices to be made. And how your life turns out depends on the decisions and choices that you make now.
I look back on my life and I see a past I wish I could change. Not everything, mind you, just the parts where I've made the worst mistakes. I look in the mirror and all I see is this sad and ugly person. I watched "Shallow Hal" last night and it really changed the way I see myself. If Hal had to look at me now he'd see this decrepit, old, wizened, depressed woman. Why? Because I've allowed human nature and the things of this world to completely take control in my life. Sure, there are times when I am happy, when I laugh and have fun, but overall I feel like I'm missing something and its not a feeling I like.
Now more than ever I realize the mistakes I've made have really taken their toll on me. I put on a brave face but inside I am fighting for sanity, fighting for the person I know I could be, the little girl my parents once loved. Who am I now? An outsider, a loner. I gave up the most important people and things in my life because I made a mistake that can never be undone. The scars will stay with me for the rest of my life. I turned a deaf ear on the warnings and advice I was given. I shut out the people I loved the most.
Its these things I see and remember every morning when I wake up, every night I go to sleep. Its these things I see when I look in the mirror. Its these things I wish I could undo. I realize now the importance of the life I used to have. Now, when it might be too late.
Can these things ever be forgiven?
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and debating and I've come to the conclusion that its true what they say: Life is a learning curve. Throughout one's life there are so many lessons to learn, situations that need split decisions, choices to be made. And how your life turns out depends on the decisions and choices that you make now.
I look back on my life and I see a past I wish I could change. Not everything, mind you, just the parts where I've made the worst mistakes. I look in the mirror and all I see is this sad and ugly person. I watched "Shallow Hal" last night and it really changed the way I see myself. If Hal had to look at me now he'd see this decrepit, old, wizened, depressed woman. Why? Because I've allowed human nature and the things of this world to completely take control in my life. Sure, there are times when I am happy, when I laugh and have fun, but overall I feel like I'm missing something and its not a feeling I like.
Now more than ever I realize the mistakes I've made have really taken their toll on me. I put on a brave face but inside I am fighting for sanity, fighting for the person I know I could be, the little girl my parents once loved. Who am I now? An outsider, a loner. I gave up the most important people and things in my life because I made a mistake that can never be undone. The scars will stay with me for the rest of my life. I turned a deaf ear on the warnings and advice I was given. I shut out the people I loved the most.
Its these things I see and remember every morning when I wake up, every night I go to sleep. Its these things I see when I look in the mirror. Its these things I wish I could undo. I realize now the importance of the life I used to have. Now, when it might be too late.
Can these things ever be forgiven?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
I'll Be Okay
Whenever things are going wrong
You lift me up and keep me strong
I check my mails more than once day
Just to read what you have to say
Without you here I cannot stay
I know with you I'll be okay
Without your smile I cannot see
I'm complete when you're with me
You give me wings so I can fly
And wipe away the tears I cry
With you around my life is filled
The fears in me have all been stilled
Don't ask me why, I don't have a clue
But my happy pill in life is you
Monday, October 06, 2008
Message to all readers!
Dear All,
I haven't been on for a while to write but I will back soon to revamp and refurnish my blog! I've needed to get my life in order first, but my writing shall follow :-)
Thank you to all who have been reading my blog and leaving comments, it is always a pleasure to hear from you!
Best wishes,
Angel
I haven't been on for a while to write but I will back soon to revamp and refurnish my blog! I've needed to get my life in order first, but my writing shall follow :-)
Thank you to all who have been reading my blog and leaving comments, it is always a pleasure to hear from you!
Best wishes,
Angel
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
If you leave me now...
I was sitting here last night thinking about what story I could tell you next and whilst I was sitting here thinking, I was listening to a song which gave me an idea about what to write. So, I know I have written about cycling before but only once so I thought I would write a few more lines about my cycling experiences.
Cycling isn't hard...you put both feet on the pedals and make your legs go up and down. That's what I was told quite a few years ago, but cycling is really so much more than that. Its about trust, friendship and most of all its about freedom. You become friends with your bike, learn to trust it to carry you through the ride and when you're on one you do actually feel pretty free. This might sound far-fetched to some people but once you have gotten onto a bike and are pedaling your way through a forest filled with dark corners and unknown ground, your bike becomes not only a mode of transport but also something that could cause a lot of pain when not used properly.
My bike was a Nishiki, it was blue and purple and had stickers all over it which I tried to scrub off once but instead just managed to get rid of some of the paintwork. I called my bike "She-Devil" because she never did what I wanted her to do, when I wanted her to do it. I was always in for a surprise when I got into the saddle but it made my cycling episodes very interesting. One time my sister, dad and I went into the forest to go for a ride and get some fresh air. I got a little more fresh air than I bargained for!
We were cycling happily down a little trail, going through these loop-de-loops (we called them that because they twisted, turned, looped up and over and were just all around fun!) and then all of a sudden, before I could wipe my eyes out, the others had disappeared and once again I found myself all alone. That song "If you Leave me Now" started running through my mind and I was singing along to the "oooo hoooo ooooo hooo no baby please don't go" part and so wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. Bad move! I passed a lizard who looked at me, rolled his eyes and promptly stuck his tongue out at me. Smiling, I turned to look in front of me....and I can't really remember what happened after that because next thing I knew I was flying through the air, clinging like a mad woman to my bike!
I had taken a turn and ended up on the drop-off trail. The one I went down was like a suicide trip and how I managed to make it out on the other side....well, I made it but I was completely winded, breathless and scared out of my mind! There was nothing thrilling about what I had been through. One minute I was cycling along minding my own business...well, more of less, I did wonder what the lizard was doing....when the ground suddenly disappeared and I was cycling on air! It was the biggest drop I have ever gone down and at the bottom there was a little river and some sort of makeshift bridge. I wobbled my way over it and when I got to the other side I fell off and just lay there trying to remember how to breathe and get some air ~chuckle~
In the distance I could hear someone calling and when I finally got up and dusted myself off I saw my dad and sister cycling towards me. That's when the adrenaline kicked in and I was totally pumped to tell them what I had just been through!!
My sister listened to me quietly and then charmingly pointed out that they'd been doing that particular "little" drop-off for the past ten minutes and had got bored of it so had moved on to the BIG ones. Right....pop went my little adrenaline bubble.
Oh well, it was big for me and since I am not really a cycling guru it was pretty much the top point of my cycling career.
After that little incident I started paying more attention to where I was going and less attention to the songs that were running through my mind. I certainly shan't be singing "Far Far Away" when cycling because I could end up ANYWHERE!
Cycling isn't hard...you put both feet on the pedals and make your legs go up and down. That's what I was told quite a few years ago, but cycling is really so much more than that. Its about trust, friendship and most of all its about freedom. You become friends with your bike, learn to trust it to carry you through the ride and when you're on one you do actually feel pretty free. This might sound far-fetched to some people but once you have gotten onto a bike and are pedaling your way through a forest filled with dark corners and unknown ground, your bike becomes not only a mode of transport but also something that could cause a lot of pain when not used properly.
My bike was a Nishiki, it was blue and purple and had stickers all over it which I tried to scrub off once but instead just managed to get rid of some of the paintwork. I called my bike "She-Devil" because she never did what I wanted her to do, when I wanted her to do it. I was always in for a surprise when I got into the saddle but it made my cycling episodes very interesting. One time my sister, dad and I went into the forest to go for a ride and get some fresh air. I got a little more fresh air than I bargained for!
We were cycling happily down a little trail, going through these loop-de-loops (we called them that because they twisted, turned, looped up and over and were just all around fun!) and then all of a sudden, before I could wipe my eyes out, the others had disappeared and once again I found myself all alone. That song "If you Leave me Now" started running through my mind and I was singing along to the "oooo hoooo ooooo hooo no baby please don't go" part and so wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. Bad move! I passed a lizard who looked at me, rolled his eyes and promptly stuck his tongue out at me. Smiling, I turned to look in front of me....and I can't really remember what happened after that because next thing I knew I was flying through the air, clinging like a mad woman to my bike!
I had taken a turn and ended up on the drop-off trail. The one I went down was like a suicide trip and how I managed to make it out on the other side....well, I made it but I was completely winded, breathless and scared out of my mind! There was nothing thrilling about what I had been through. One minute I was cycling along minding my own business...well, more of less, I did wonder what the lizard was doing....when the ground suddenly disappeared and I was cycling on air! It was the biggest drop I have ever gone down and at the bottom there was a little river and some sort of makeshift bridge. I wobbled my way over it and when I got to the other side I fell off and just lay there trying to remember how to breathe and get some air ~chuckle~
In the distance I could hear someone calling and when I finally got up and dusted myself off I saw my dad and sister cycling towards me. That's when the adrenaline kicked in and I was totally pumped to tell them what I had just been through!!
My sister listened to me quietly and then charmingly pointed out that they'd been doing that particular "little" drop-off for the past ten minutes and had got bored of it so had moved on to the BIG ones. Right....pop went my little adrenaline bubble.
Oh well, it was big for me and since I am not really a cycling guru it was pretty much the top point of my cycling career.
After that little incident I started paying more attention to where I was going and less attention to the songs that were running through my mind. I certainly shan't be singing "Far Far Away" when cycling because I could end up ANYWHERE!
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