Thursday, June 25, 2009

Learning from Life

Isn't it strange hoe we always tend to look back on our lives and see things that we wish we could have done differently, things we wish we could change or most especially things we wish we had never said?
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking and debating and I've come to the conclusion that its true what they say: Life is a learning curve. Throughout one's life there are so many lessons to learn, situations that need split decisions, choices to be made. And how your life turns out depends on the decisions and choices that you make now.

I look back on my life and I see a past I wish I could change. Not everything, mind you, just the parts where I've made the worst mistakes. I look in the mirror and all I see is this sad and ugly person. I watched "Shallow Hal" last night and it really changed the way I see myself. If Hal had to look at me now he'd see this decrepit, old, wizened, depressed woman. Why? Because I've allowed human nature and the things of this world to completely take control in my life. Sure, there are times when I am happy, when I laugh and have fun, but overall I feel like I'm missing something and its not a feeling I like.

Now more than ever I realize the mistakes I've made have really taken their toll on me. I put on a brave face but inside I am fighting for sanity, fighting for the person I know I could be, the little girl my parents once loved. Who am I now? An outsider, a loner. I gave up the most important people and things in my life because I made a mistake that can never be undone. The scars will stay with me for the rest of my life. I turned a deaf ear on the warnings and advice I was given. I shut out the people I loved the most.

Its these things I see and remember every morning when I wake up, every night I go to sleep. Its these things I see when I look in the mirror. Its these things I wish I could undo. I realize now the importance of the life I used to have. Now, when it might be too late.

Can these things ever be forgiven?