Monday, April 19, 2010

Fairytale

As a little girl I had all these dreams of how my life was going to turn out and what I was going to be when I grew up. In all these cloud castles and fairytales, I never once thought to factor in that I would make mistakes or bad decisions. So now I have to sit back and rethink all my little dreams as things aren't going quite the way I had thought they would when I was little.

Growing up certainly has its advantages but now when things go wrong I can't just run to the parents and expect them to fix the problem. Especially since the problem is me. As I sit here and think of all that has happened in this past year I am surprised that I can still be so positive as to the outcome of it all. The mistakes, the pain, the heartache....all of it is slowly but surely disappearing as the tiny being inside of me grows. My body is going through alarming changes, some of which are truly frightening in some ways, not to mention the difficulty in controlling mood swings and hormones. Yet despite all these changes, I have finally found myself, the part of me which I thought was gone forever.

Its as though the baby growing inside of me has brought me back, given me new life. He grows bigger and stronger every day and every day he brings a smile to my face. When he moves inside of me I feel a connection so strong, so deep, that I know it will never be broken. Because of him, I have a deeper understanding of the love my parents have for me, and therefore I also have a deeper understanding of how I have hurt them, and those close to me. That love, though, also brings forgiveness, so it enables me to stand up and move forward, knowing that despite everything they will be there to welcome me home again in the end. It strengthens me and gives me hope and a new lease on life. It drives me forward and helps me to make better decisions.

When I was a little girl I never thought that I would end up pregnant at the age of 25, unmarried, still working full time, and on my own. Little did I dream that getting everything prepared for the baby would take so much planning and I certainly didn't think it would cost as much as it has. Then again, I also didn't think that there would be so many incredible people supporting me and helping me. I didn't expect all the blessings to shower down on me after all I had done wrong. God is truly merciful, He has blessed me and loved me through it all and helped me to at last walk down the right path.

It won't be easy, but it sure is going to be worth it!!!