The Three Pigs

I hardly ever go out at night, being a stay-at-home person out of necessity, not want, since I don't have any transport other than my two very trusty legs. Unfortunately, its not safe walking around outside at night on your own when you're a single girl and so I have to be satisfied with the very occasional outing once a month or even less.

Last night, however, I threw caution to the wind and trotted off in a red and black outfit and nearly caused a crash at an intersection I was crossing when a driver was too busy looking at me and not paying enough attention to his runaway car, which was heading straight for a lamp post and the pavement. I trotted on, chuckling all the while, and wondering why it was that being dressed in a long, flowing black skirt with a red sequined top caused so much of a stir. Certainly isn't my looks, I can assure you! Perhaps it is the fact that nobody around here actually dresses like that anymore. I mean, most young girls go out dressed in what they consider groovy outfits of too-tight denims and slinky tops, whereas I wouldn't be seen dead in something like that and prefer to wear a long skirt (hiding the legs and thighs nicely, hahaha!) and a pretty shirt or jacket.
Something so out of the ordinary, it seems, that it caused a great deal of strange looks to come my way. I didn't care, though, I was FINALLY going out somewhere!!

I got to the Theatre, bought my ticket and settled down with a Spin to await the time when I could go and find my seat and watch the show. I was all in a jig about it because I do love watching plays and pantomines and things of that sort, its much more amusing to me than going to the movies or renting a dvd.

At last the music started up and the play began. I held my breath waiting for what was to come next. And onto the stage walked a very large Mrs. Rabbit! I had to stifle a giggle at the sight of those funny ears...nearly collapsed when she pulled out a HUGE rolled up cigar and insisted she have a smoke break, while telling the audience all the while that she wasn't going to light it, of course, it was just the idea of having a smoke break which calmed her rattled nerves. She then regaled us with a story of how the Messrs. Pig kept her so occupied and how she never got any peace with them about. And then she told us about how there was this new architecht who was designing a new house for the three Pigs because the one they stayed in at present wasn't large enough to keep them all. And she mentioned how nice and kind and very charming the architecht laddie was and how he could put his pencil under her drawing board any day. This got uproarious laughter from the audience and this was the cue for her to titter and then tell us about her lovely children but how there were too many of them and so on.
Then off she went and we got an introduction to our Three Pigs. And my, but they were absolutely HILARIOUS! First, there was Plantagenet Pig. He is quite a stuffy sort, always dressed immaculately and speaking very proper! Then there is Percy. He's always wearing white, is very concerned about hygiene and pretty much lives on cosmetics and washes his clothes three times a day. And lastly there is Patrick. He is just too funny for words, total beach bum, walks around in board shorts and loose shirt all day and lives off junk food and surfing. Very laid back and not worried about a thing, calls his home his "possie". To be honest, I developed an instant liking for old Percy...by the way, did I mention he screams like a girl? Ah...missed that one. He does, though, and it is enough to just make you die laughing!!

Then we were introduced to the architecht and the two fairies that go everywhere on the set, and then also to Mr. Wolf and Mr. Weasel. Mr. Weasel is always drooling and Mr. Wolf is always hungry. These two make such a strange pair and yet it would be impossible to have the one without the other. They try to entice Mrs. Rabbit's little ones with carrots and hot dogs but then Weasel ruins it all by dribbling and pulling out a cleaver from behind his back! Then he tries to mend things by saying the bunnies can get two hotdogs for the price of one but its too late, they've run off. Mr. Wolf then starts ranting and raving and crying and whining and eventually turns on Weasel and yells "It's all your fault! You couldn't sell beer to an Ozzie in the outback!" and off they go, amidst shouts and hoots of laughter from the audience. By this stage I was swiping at the tears streaming down my cheeks for I just couldn't stop laughing. And it had only just begun!!!

I shall skip over the next few scenes, you all probably know the story of the three pigs and how they each go off to build their own house. Well, Percy built a house from perspex, Patrick a house of bamboo and Plantagenet a house of bricks (obviously). then they each installed a telkom telephone (remember the telkom telephone, oh best beloved) and we're onto the next scene.

Wolf and Weasel are crying from hunger. They decide to trap Percy. They knock on his door and call softly (trying the subtle approach) and then more loudly until Percy comes and asks them what they want. Clever (or not) Weasel says they would just like to ask for a cup of sugar. Percy looks surprised and says but he doesn't have more than a little sugar cos he prefers sweeteners. So Weasel says, well then, half a cup will do just fine. So off Percy goes to get a half a cup of sugar and comes back. When he opens the door and steps out Wolf and Weasel jump him...or try to. Percy falls to the ground and Weasel and Wolf end up bumping heads. Then Percy is off back into the house and shuts the door in the enraged faces of his persuers. He then (while Wolf and Weasel build a fire) picks up his telkom telephone and calls the help line. After battling with the operator (a feeling we all know SO WELL) he finally gets put through to his brother Patrick. After explaining he is told to hurry and get out of there as quickly as he can and to run as fast as he can to brother Patrick. Which he does in due course. But first, let me add here that at this point in the play, Wolf tries to huff and puff and blow the house down. Only in the beginning he doesn't get it right because he doesn't have enough air, so he hauls out this little inhaler/asthma pump and takes deep breaths from it and then tries again. When the house falls over, they charge poor old Percy who lets out a high pitched scream and sprays Wolf in the eye with pepper spray and then runs away into the audience, screaming like a girl all the way. Oh my....hang on while I finish laughing...this is just hilarious, the memories! I wish I could videotape it and put it up as a video clip on my blog because its something you just have to see to appreciate!

Right....where was I? Oh yes, whilst Percy is running away from Wolf and Weasel, the audience is going mad with laughter and shouting boo to Wolf and Weasel as they pass by. Finally, after spraying Wolf one last time with the pepper spray, Percy is safe inside the house with Patrick. Next follows a hilarious dialogue between Wolf and Weasel about who should huff and puff next. Meanwhile, Patrick is trying to get hold of Plantagenet but the telkom helpline accidently (oh really?) puts him through to Watsons' Butchery where they advertise pork chops for half price and ham slices on special.
With a horrified shriek Patrick gets the operator back on the line. She apologises profusely and tries to put him through again, this time with more success.
Partick hurriedly explains their nasty situation and Plantagenet urges them to hurry over, just as Wolf and Weasel get ready to blow the house down.
Percy and Patrick each arm themselves with a pie (for the old pie-in-the-face trick) and as the house topples over, they dash out and in passing ram their pies into the faces of their attackers. The audience is by this time hysterical with laughter and amidst shrieks from Patrick and screams from Percy, a chase ensues. Eventually they get away after running through the audience and with all the audience screaming and booing and shouting and making such a racous that the cast couldn't even be heard! What a laugh!

Oh my, have I really written this much already? I think I better stop here...but wait, I need to end with the grand finale...

Mr Wolf tries to break into Plantagenet's house and in the process he loses his tail, and then before he can escape the police pitch up and he and Weasel are led away in handcuffs to await trial.
And in the end, the three Pigs once again employ the help of the architect and this time they build a house with three parts. And this satisfies them all and they then have a housewarming party. To which a certain Miss Piggy is invited, along with Kermit the Frog!

The end.